


Sadness Baths

by gracefullyrecked



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-02-26 18:27:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18722524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracefullyrecked/pseuds/gracefullyrecked
Summary: sad, dramatic and/or fluffy one-shots to read while taking a sadness bath





	1. one: her house

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which they grow up together and fall in love all at her house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I don’t own any of the characters. All the rights belong to NBC.  
> 2\. I have never used ao3 before other than reading fics so this is all new to me.  
> 3\. My style of writing may change from time to time as I’ve experimented different styles over the course of my writing (ex. tenses, phrases)  
> 4\. I’ve also read a lot of fanfics and have taken ideas from them. If you read one of mine and think you’ve read it somewhere else, you probably did and the credit goes to them.  
> 5\. I’m not always into complete sentences or super correct punctuation. This means a lot of times I write how I talk or use incomplete sentences even when describing movements, characters and setting. I’m also not one for correct punctuation all the time, meaning I don’t always add commas at the end of dialogue or in sentences in general.  
> 6\. About 90% of my writing is angst and unhappy endings. I get bored writing fluff (though I love to read it). So sometimes the characters may seem a little out of character but that’s because we’re used to seeing them in a sitcom while I’m writing about drama and sadness. I will post a lot more of my fluffy ones so it's not all sad but you've been warned.  
> 7\. Story wise, I write a lot about death, sickness and divorce. I usually make Ben the bad guy which is weird because he's my favorite character. I'm a sucker for Robert Knope. I believe him and Leslie had such a good father-daughter relationship and that he influenced her dream to be president. I also I love writing about the triplets' relationship with April and Andy.

They lived across the street from each other since the day they were born. Their mothers were due just over two months apart and though their mothers were over ten years apart themselves, they bonded over their new arrivals.  They see each other all the time and don’t even know who each other is. They’re infants but their mother’s need someone to vent to who understands and the babies seem to sleep better near each other. 

 

They end up going to daycare together and preschool. They get picked up by the same parent who tag team it most of the time. So much that the other kids think they’re brother and sister. She snorts and tells them she’s an only child. He tells them he wishes he was too. 

 

The first time he sleeps over, they don’t even remember it. He’s getting a new little sister and she’s asking her mom why she doesn’t get one too. They just turned four and her mother has to explain to her daughter and the boys how some Mommys and Daddys have multiple kids while others have one. He sleeps on her floor that night after she refuses to let him sleep alone. Her father thinks it’s cute and is happy to have more men in the house than women. 

 

The first time he goes over to her house willingly is in March of 81. It was finally warm enough to play outside and she had gotten a new swing set for her sixth birthday back in January. If you asked him, he wasn’t going over to see her, only her swing set.  

 

The second time he sleeps over he’s knocking on their door at 9:30 begging to sleep there to get away from his parents fighting. She begs her parents to let him stay. Robert makes them sleep in the living room so he can keep an eye on them. Marlene reminds him that they’re nine. 

 

The first time he sees her cry is on the front steps of house. His mother tells him that she won’t be at school for a while. That her daddy died and he wishes more than anything it was his Daddy who died. Hers was a lot better. He begins to feel sorry for her. He wants to go hug her and tell her  _ it’s okay _ . But he doesn’t. 

 

The second time he sees her cry is on the playground. She had just gotten over the death of her father and some kid says something that sets her off. This time he hugs her and tells her  _ it’s okay _ . 

 

The first time he can’t believe her is the summer before seventh grade. She tells him a new Batman movie is coming out and he’s shocked. He wants to run home and reread his comics and he can’t believe he told her this in her backyard. He surely should’ve known this information before her. She’s not even a fan. Then she says  _ gotchya _ and laughs. He frowns. 

 

The second time he willingly goes over to her house is junior high. She’s so much better at History than him and there’s a big test coming up that he  _ can’t  _ afford to fail. Her mother makes her keep her bedroom door open. He feels some kind of way he can’t describe. 

 

The first time they kiss is during truth or dare at a camp out in her backyard. She doesn’t know he’s falling in love with her. She just knows she’s too stubborn to turn down a dare. She celebrates afterward because she did it. He can’t get the goofy grin off his face. 

 

The first time she makes his heart skip a beat is the eighth grade dance. They decide to go as friends since Cindy Eckert refuses to go with him and she was too busy with school to even ask a guy. She looks too beautiful to just be his friend. He wants her. He wants her bad. 

 

The first time she sneaks out is sophomore year. She climbs out her window in her  _ sneaking around clothes _ and jumps down into his arms. He can’t believe she did it. She can’t believe she did either. 

 

The first time they say  _ I love you _ is on her back porch. There’s a fire going and her mother’s already asleep. She’s cuddled up next to him and they’ve been dating for months and even though they think they’re hiding it everyone knows it. He leans in closer to her and whispers  _ I love you _ to which she blushes and says it back. They both mean it. 

 

The third time he sleeps over, her mother doesn’t know. He crawls in through her window and his hair is all wet and her body is warm against his. He breathes heavily against her skin. Her voice is soothing. He changes into clothes he left at her house before. He climbs into her bed and they hold each other for awhile. He leaves before she wakes up. 

 

The second time they kiss is before they break up and though they don’t want to, they feel like they  _ have _ to. They’re going to college soon. Long distance sucks from what they hear. They kiss for the first real time. There are sparks. He regrets his decision. She holds onto the sparks as long as possible. 

 

The third time he sees her cry is in the driveway of her house. Her car is all packed up and she’s off to college. He’s watching from his front porch. Her mother cries first and she can’t help but start. She gets in her car and pulls out. She waves to him, tears in her eyes as she drives away. 

 

The second time she makes his heart skip a beat is years later after both had graduated college. Her mother’s being honored for an award and there’s a huge banquet to celebrate. They see each other for the first time in years. He still loves her. That’s all he thinks when he sees her. 

 

The second time they say  _ I love you _ is in the same spot as before. Except this time it means more. Both of them don’t know how they made it this long without each other. It feels good to be in each other’s arms and say  _ I love you  _ without miles between them. 

 

The first time he asks her to marry him they’re twenty five and in her backyard. She’s completely in shock and he can’t stop smiling. She says yes. He slides the ring on her finger. They kiss. They lose count of how many times they kiss. 

 

The third time she makes his heart skip a beat is their wedding day. He’s left breathless in her backyard. She walks out in a beautiful white dress that hugs her curves and makes her look elegant. Her hair is pulled back out of her face and there’s a glisten in her eyes. He falls in love with her all over again. 

 

The second time he can’t believe her is on the swing on the back porch. They came over to her mother’s for Sunday dinner. Her mother’s making hot chocolate inside and she’s leaning on his shoulder. She whispers that she’s pregnant. He’s shocked. This time she doesn’t say  _ gotchya _

and this time he doesn’t frown. 

 

The fourth time he sees her cry is because her mother is selling the house. It became to much for her. She cries and cries and blames her hormones but he knows it’s more than that. He wants to cry too. This is where he fell in love in with her. This house holds all their memories. He wants her to stop crying. That night, he decides to buy the house. 

 

The fourth time he sleeps over it’s his house and he’s lying next to his gorgeous wife and he has three infants asleep down the hall. Her house became his house and his children’s house. And she’s exhausted and already asleep. And he can’t seem to shut down so he finds himself watching her sleep. 

 

The second time she sneaks out, he sneaks out with her. They leave their clingy one year old triplets with the care of a nanny. They sneak out the back as the nanny distracts their kids with toys in the living room. They laugh as they quietly shut the back door. They kiss. They lose count of how many times they kiss here. 

 

The second time he asks her to marry him is on the same spot as before. Except this time there’s three eight year olds running around and he feels spontaneous. So he asks her again and gets the same response as before. And it’s butterflies all over again because he’s in love with her. They’ll have been married for ten years in a few months and he never turns down an opportunity to make her smile. And see her in a sexy white dress. 

 

The last time he can’t believe her it’s not good news. He’s shaking his head and she’s choking back tears. She doesn’t say  _ gotchya _ but he definitely frowns. He lets himself cry. She doesn’t let herself cry. There’s not enough time to cry. 

 

The last time he sees her cry is late at night, days after he can’t believe her. She’s crying in the bathroom. He knows what to do. He hugs her and holds her until she’s strong enough to stand on her own. He never sees her cry again. 

 

The last time she makes his heart skip a beat, he can’t figure out why. She’s pale and weak and in hospital gown. She feels more than unattractive but all he sees is the woman he fell in love with. And maybe it’s the last time his heart skips a beat because of her but it never stops. 

 

The last time she sneaks out, it’s to go to the house. And he’s with her. It’s not advised but she doesn’t want to spend her last days in a hospital room. So they sneak out of the hospital and go back to their house. 

 

The last time he sleeps over, they don’t know it’s the last. He holds her in his arms in the bed they’ve shared for thirty five years. And they don’t know how many nights they have but they have this one. And it becomes the last. 

 

The last time he asks her to marry him is the same night he sleeps over. He whispers when he asks.  _ Would she still, after everything they’ve been through, still marry him? _   She nods and says  _ of course _ . He smiles and holds her closer. 

 

The last time they kiss is later that night. She’s still in his arms and they’re talking about everything they’ve been through. He wouldn’t want to do it with anyone else. She wouldn’t want to do it without him. They kiss. They lose count of how many times they kiss. But this is certainly their last. 

 

The last time they say  _ I love you _ she’s weaker than ever and it’s hours later. He can’t bring himself to sleep, fearing he’ll miss crucial last minutes with her. He thinks she’s asleep. Using all her strength, she turns to him, startling him. She whispers  _ I love you _ with strength he didn’t know she had. He whispers it back. They lose count of how many times they say  _ I love you  _ but this is definitely the last. 

 

The last time he goes over to her house willingly, it’s weeks after the funeral. He hasn’t stepped foot in the house. There’s a for sale sign in the front yard. He can’t live here without her. This isn’t his house. _ It’s hers _ . He doesn’t know how many times he’s walked through that door, but this will most certainly be his last. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> p.s my insta is ririlaya. I don't post on it but i'm always on it so if you ever want to talk dm me I'm bored and lonely all the time ;)


	2. two: wish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which we learn exactly what Ben would wish for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> diving right in. hope you enjoy.

If Ben had three wishes he’d only use one. 

He misses the way she feels. The way her skin felt against his, soft, smooth and warm. He misses how small her hands were but how perfectly they fit in his. The way her fingers felt when they traced against him. How warm her body felt and the energy it radiated. 

Because even if Ben had ten wishes he’d only use one.

He misses the way she smiled. How happy she always was. He remembers the sound of her laugh and how it was his favorite sound in the world. He holds onto the sound of her voice. It echoes in his mind and he has every intention on keeping it there. He liked how she was confident when she talked. She could rant and ramble on and on and on or give a passionate speech or talk to little kids or she could just talk with her friends. And he could listen to her forever.

Because even if Ben had a hundred wishes he’d only use one.

He misses how she made him feel. How she believed in him more than anyone else ever did. He liked how she could just smile at him and he felt like he could do anything. He felt like he could run a marathon with just one look at her. He could move a mountain just from a touch. She made his heart skip beats and his stomach do somersaults. She made him smile with that goofy grin. She made him feel good. 

Because even if Ben had a thousand wishes he’d only use one.

She was so beautiful. His mind is trying to remember her. To keep a vivid image of her in his mind forever. He loved everything about her. He loved the way her bright blonde hair cascaded to her shoulders. The deepness of her blue eyes and how he could get lost in them. He remembers the little details like the pale freckles under her eyes and the dimples on her cheeks. He feels like he took them for granted. 

Because even if Ben had a million wishes he’d only use one.

She gave him everything. She gave him the simplest things like kindness when everyone was against him. A kiss when he left for work. A hug when he had a rough day. She gave him a reason to wake up in the morning and a reason to get out of bed. She gave him his children. And her hand in marriage. But most importantly, she gave him all of her, the best and the worst and everything in between. 

Because even if Ben had a billion wishes he’d only use one.

She made him aware that he had something to lose. He had an uneasy feeling every moment they were apart. He remembers growing jealous when a man even looked at her. He remembers wanting to punch guys that hit on her. He would hold his breath when she was even a second late getting home from work. She gave him something to lose. 

And he lost her. 

But even if Ben had infinite wishes he’d still only use one.

He’d bring her back. 

Because wishes can give you everything. 

And she was his.


	3. three: dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which she has a recurring dream of him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by the dream Meredith has on grey's

“I have the same dream every night.”

Her voice is soft and shaky. She feels her heart rattling in her chest. Her legs feel like jello all the sudden. Her entire frame goes weak. _Why is it so hard to talk about?_ It’s not like it happened yesterday. It’s been almost a year. She’s done her crying. She’s made her peace. She’s tried to move on.

But not a single day goes by that she doesn’t think about him. It might only be for a second. But he still makes an appearance in her brain. And at first, the thought of him would bring tears to her eyes but as of six months ago, she’s fresh out of tears.

“He’s knocking at the front door.”

She breathes in deeply, holding it there for a few seconds before letting it go. Her body feels instantly stronger and her heart begins to slow it quickened beat. _Why is this emotional all of the sudden?_

Her children are six. They were in kindergarten when they saw him last. But they were five and resilient and confused so it doesn’t seem to bother them now. But it bothers her so much.

“And he says he forgot his keys.”

 _He would always forget his keys._ She thinks he’d forget his head if it wasn’t attached to his body. It’s weird though because he’s so focused and driven and organized but after their children were born it all changed. The house became a constant mess and he slowly stopped caring that there was toys all over the floor and dirty dishes always in the sink.

So the mess got to him. He would forget everything. She likes to think it’s because he had a lot on his mind. Three kids and a wife and a job. It’s a lot for him.

“And he says he’s sorry he was gone for so long.”

It’s been way too long. Because she didn’t know the last time they kissed would be there last. Every last they had, they didn’t know it would be. It was just a numberless, daily thing.

And if she knew it’d be the last, she would’ve kissed longer. She would’ve really kissed him. It wouldn’t be a quick one with an I love you and a see ya after work. It would’ve be more.

“I don’t care that he’s been gone. I just hug him.”

Her hands begin to shake and a slight smile forms across her face just thinking of hugging him again. She misses his hugs. He made her feel so protected and safe. He was great at making her feel better and filling her emotional cup.

“And then he comes inside and everything’s normal.”

 _Normal._ It’s such a funny word to her now. Her life has been far from normal for as long as she can remember. But with him, they had a new normal. One that consisted of their three beautiful children and jobs and late night waffle feasts and snuggles and kisses. And it all changed so quickly. The new normal became the old normal. And the new new normal sucked. It really sucked.

“But then I wake up.”

She shakes her head, making eye contact with the floor. She lets out a nervous laugh that anyone can tell is holding back tears. Because she hates this part of the dream. She hates waking up. She used to hate sleeping because real life was so much better. And she hates that she lives in a world where her dreams are better.

Because one day she had everything she ever wanted. And the next day it was all gone.

“And I realize it’s a dream.”

She wishes more than anything it wasn’t. She would live forever in that same dream. She’d play it over and over and over again. And she’d be just as thrilled to see him every single time.

“You think I’d learn it was a dream since I have it every night, but no.”

Because it seems so real. And even though part of her thinks I’ve seen this before and this isn’t real, part of her really hopes that it’s different this time.

She thinks about how that’s the definition of insanity. Doing something over and over again expecting different outcomes. She’s insane. She diagnosed herself with the medical degree she doesn’t have.

“So every night I go to sleep thinking I won’t fall for it this time. But i do. I always do.”

And she does. She prays before she goes to sleep every night. Not to God specifically, though she greets him. She talks to him. And really believes he’s listening. He listened on earth so why would he stop in heaven?

“And tonight, I’ll go to sleep and do it all again.”

Routines are something her children thrive off of but for the months following his death, they lived off of chaos and undetermined schedules. But now they’re past that. So there’s a routine again. They take a bath. They read a book. They read four more books. She tells them she loves them thirty times. She tucks them in and watches them fall asleep. And then she goes to sleep because now her dreams are better than reality. And though it sucks, she has no other option.

“And I can’t wait.”


	4. four: friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Leslie is mad at Ben for something he did (didn't do) on friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by the fact that Rachel slept with a guy named Ben Wyatt on the first date and the fact that Leslie and Ann love friends

“Oh my gosh! Ben! We were in Friends!”

She stumbles on her own footing and leans into his arms. He holds her elbows and helps her stand up again while looking confused as ever. 

“What?”

“I’m Phoebe! Because I had triplets!”

“I always thought you were more Monica.”

“Ridiculous!” She slurs, “I had triplets.”

“Right, And they’re waiting for you at home, so let’s go. How much have you had to drink?”

Her eyes widen with excitement. 

“We should rename the triplets after Friends characters!”

“Honey, I shot that idea down when we first named them. Plus, they’re two now, so they know their name. You can’t just rename them.”

“Watch me! I like Joey, Chandler, and Rachel! Done. Those are their new names!”

“Okay. Seriously, how much did you drink?”

He helps her with her coat as she starts laughing at literally nothing, and he checks, there’s nothing funny going on. Then she stops laughing abruptly and looks up at him. 

“And you were in it to! Monica said you dated Rachel! And you slept with her on the first date! I’m prettier than Rachel and you slept with her on the first date and not me?!”

He pulls the zipper on her jacket and almost wants to laugh at the ridiculousness of the conversation but knows that will only make it worse.

“First of all, you and I did sleep together on the first date. Second, you’re definitely prettier than Rachel. Third, i never slept with Rachel. And exactly how much did you have to drink?”

“Not much.”

“Clearly. Now let’s get to the car.”

He pushes on her back and peaks over the couch to make sure Ann’s okay. 

“I can’t believe you would sleep with her on the first date!”

“Are you mad at me?”

“You have to ask?”

She glares at him.

“Uh- well, I guess not. I’m sorry. It didn’t mean anything. I only have eyes for you.”

“You better. Now, move so I can throw up in that bush.”

“Okay.”

He steps over as she leans forward and throws up. He quickly grabs her hair and waits for her to finish. 

“Can we go now?”

She nods, wiping her mouth. It’s gonna be a long night but not nearly as long as it would be if she was still mad about what he did to Rachel on Friends.


	5. five: everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Leslie always gets everything she wants

For as long as Leslie can remember, she has always gotten everything she’s ever wanted. It didn’t ever take much. She was her parents only child and they adored her more than they could express. Her father would do anything for her or get her anything. He could never say no to his little girl. Even if he tried to say no, within seconds she’d bat those big blue eyes and quiver her tiny pale pink lip and he’d say yes. He would _always_ say yes.

She never even had to try. He would’ve given her the world if he could, if she asked. She never had to work for it but somehow that didn’t affect her work ethic because, ask anyone, she works harder than anyone. And she guesses it’s because she doesn’t care about the things she has, she cares about the person giving them to her.

When she was ten years, eight months and five days old, she lost her favorite person on the planet. She considers it her greatest and only loss. She considers it the only time she hasn’t gotten what she wants. But somehow that loss just enhanced her ability to get what she wants. Her fifth grade teacher goes easy on her for the whole year. She lets her skip homework assignments and stay in for recess if she wants. Her teacher only passes on the note informing her of Leslie’s father’s unexpected death to the sixth grade teacher and somehow Leslie gets out of whatever she wants for the next few years.

Her mother continues to feed her like her father did. Getting her any wish she has as soon as possible. Telling her she loves her as often as she can. And hoping somehow this doesn’t destroy her daughter like it’s destroying her.

When she’s eighteen she gets access to her father’s trust fund and she doesn’t spend a cent of it. She thinks about what he would’ve spent it on and the only answer she can come up with is that he’d spend it on her. So she uses it. She gets through college and starts a job and uses it to get anything she can’t get on her own. And she wants everyone to feel this way.

She knows what it’s like to be loved. To be loved so big. To be given everything she needs to become anything she wants. And she wants to share that with the world. So she still gets everything she wants. She gets a bigger parks budget. She gets to have it all. She gets enough of everything to provide the service to the people. And somehow, just like her father, Ron couldn’t say no to her either.

By the time she’s thirty six, she can still count how many times she’s been told no on one hand. And even when she is told no, her father is still helping her out with that trust fund of his. But she runs into a situation where she can’t have what she wants.

She finally is told no without a way to change that answer to yes. No amount of money can change this. Because she works for the government and he’s her boss and she wants him so badly and she can’t have him. _She can’t._

She finds herself not understanding. This is so new to her. She feels like a prisoner. And she’s always been a princess. This calls for a rebellion. And she’s never had to do one of those.

So she does it anyway. They do it. They date in secret and they fall in love. And she wants him and everything is telling her no but this feels too good to be a no. And they come clean because no job is worth hiding their love anymore.

They’re put on trial and this becomes the most punishment she’s ever received and she hasn’t even really been punished yet. But she thinks she’s going to get fired. And she won’t be able to get her job back. And she’s starting to think she can’t get everything she wants.

But then, he resigns and takes full responsibility and she can keep her job. And she asks him why he did it. He says because he loves her. He really, _really_ loves her. And they get married and have kids and have a life together and it’s all because Leslie _always_ gets _everything_ she wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes I know most people who have trust funds don't get access to them until like age 25 but 18 worked better for the story. minor details, no big deal.


	6. six: save our life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and pray to God he hears you, and pray to God he hears you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on the song "how to save a life" 
> 
> i'm very proud of this one but Ben is a little out of character so idk
> 
> also i couldn’t get the formatting to look like it does on google docs so I apologize if it’s hard to read

_Step one, you say we need to talk_

_He walks, you say sit down it’s just a talk_

 

“Oh, you decided to come home tonight.”

 

He throws his coat on the chair and drops his keys on the kitchen counter. She sits up from the couch in the dim midnight light.

 

“Let your boyfriend out the back?”

 

She rolls her eyes.

 

“We need to talk.”

 

He rolls his eyes and shakes his head, letting a shaky laugh out.

 

“We do” she repeats.

 

_He smiles politely back to you_

_You stare politely right on through_

 

“Fine you want to do this?”

 

He falls into the loveseat across from her.  She sighs.

 

“I don’t want to but we need to.”

 

He smiles, slightly making eye contact.

 

“Not too loudly, the babies are sleeping” she adds.

 

_Some sort of a window to your right_

_As he goes left, you stay right_

 

“So where’s Mark?”

 

She exhales deeply.

 

“Just diving right in, okay.”

 

“You wanted to do this.”

 

“Well you would’ve known that Mark is just a friend and has been helping me out with the kids for weeks now if you ever bothered to come home before midnight.”

 

He stands up.

 

“I’m sorry I have a demanding job.”

 

“Your family should come first. I should come first.”

 

She stands up too.

 

“Is that why you slept with Mark?”

 

Her eyes widen.

 

“I never slept with Mark!”

 

“Really? Really? Why don’t I believe you?”

 

_Between the lines of fear and blame_

_You begin to wonder why you came_

 

      

* * *

 

 

_Let him know that you know best_

_Cause after all you do know best_

 

“Well what about you?”

 

“What about me?”

 

“If you don’t trust me at home raising your kids how on earth am I supposed to trust you out till some ungodly hour doing who knows what six nights a week?”

 

He steps back and sighs.

 

“So now you don’t trust me?”

 

“Well you don’t trust me.”

 

_Try to slip past his defense_

_Without granting innocence_

 

“I want to trust you, Ben. I really do. But you not trusting me, makes me doubt you.”

 

He runs a hand through his hair.

 

“Maybe I’m at fault here too” he admits.

 

“Maybe?”

 

_Lay down a list of what is wrong_

_The things you’ve told him all along_

 

“You have been MIA for the past six months. Our children haven’t seen you on a weekday since November.”

 

“I know.”

 

“You don’t help me when you are home.”

 

“I work a whole lot. I’m tired.”

 

“I’m tired too! But we have three two year olds. You know they’re two now right? Because you missed that too.”

 

“I did not.”

 

“You were there but you weren’t.”

 

“Yeah” he whispers.

 

“And Ann and April have their own lives and my mom does so much for us already and Mark offered to help. So yeah, we’ve been spending a lot of time with him. Only because you won’t.”

 

He stares at the floor.

 

_And pray to God he hears you_

_And pray to God he hears you_

 

       

* * *

 

 

_As he begins to raise his voice_

_You lower yours and grant him one last choice_

 

“I don’t want my kids spending all this time with another father figure.”

 

“Well I don’t either!”

 

“Then stop inviting him over!”

 

“Then start coming home.”

 

His eyes circle the room.

 

“I can’t do it alone. So come home, or I will learn to do it alone.”

 

_Drive until you lose the road_

_Or break with the ones you’ve followed_

 

“Really that’s it? An ultimatum?”

 

She feels tears in her eyes.

 

“I wish I didn’t have to. I wish this was working.”

 

“I’m not the only one at fault here.”

 

“Yeah you are. I did what I had to do. You did what you wanted to do.”

 

_He will do one of two things_

_He will admit to everything_

 

“Yeah, Maybe I should’ve come home more. I just got so good at what I’m doing. And I’d lose track of time. And on the days I’d come home you had everything running smoothly. It’s like you didn’t need me.”

 

She steps forward wanting so desperately to place her hands on his chest and feel his arms around her waist.

 

“I will always need you.”

 

_Or he’ll say he’s just not the same_

_And you’ll begin to wonder why you came_

 

He shakes his head.

 

“You don’t.”

 

“What are you saying? You’re picking your career over your family?”

 

“That was the ultimatum wasn’t it?” He sighs, “Look we’re different people now. I’ve gone too far to come back now and you’re doing just fine without me.”

 

“No, no” she says, tears forming, “You’re not saying?”

 

He nods.

 

“I am, Leslie.”

 

His voice is shaky. Tears run down her cheeks. He turns and grabs his coat again.

 

“I’m sorry” he turns back to her.

 

She wipes her eyes and watches him leave.

 

_Where did I go wrong?_

 

“You’re not feeling well. I’ll come and help you” Mark offers.

 

Before she can say no, he grabs the keys from her hand.

 

“Come on, tell me where your mother lives. We’ll pick up your kids. I’ll drive.”

 

_I lost a friend_

 

“Ben doesn’t come home anymore.”

 

Mark leans back in the kitchen chair with a wine glass. She rubs her lips together.

 

“You deserve better than that.”

 

“He’s just busy.”

 

“And he probably is, but it’s no excuse.”

 

_Somewhere along in the bitterness_

 

“What the hell is Mark doing here?!”

 

Ben slams his coffee cup from that morning on the counter so hard it shatters. Pieces fly across the floor.

 

“I’m just leaving. I was here to help out with the kids.”

 

“Nothing happened!”

 

“Really?”

 

_And I would have stayed up_

 

“Don’t run off. We need to talk.”

 

“I’m tired” he mumbles.

 

She pulls on his shirt. He turns around.

 

“We’ll talk later” he demands.

 

_With you all night_

 

“Sleep on the couch!”

 

She throws his pillow at him.

 

“Fine.”

 

“Fine.”

 

_Had I know_

 

She watches his car pull out of the driveway. His headlights shine quickly through the curtains as tears fall down her cheeks. She watches until the car disappears at the end of the block.

 

_How to save our life_

 


	7. seven: what could've been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> something about missing something you never even really had hurts more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol I gave up at the end but I love the beginning for some reason

_ It’s a good thing.  _ She swears that somehow you look at it, it’s a good thing. Because they already have three crazy toddlers. She has a job that requires travel at least once a month. His job is just as demanding. They don’t have time. 

 

But she was so excited. She was. After the initial panic set in and dissipated, the overwhelming feeling of excitement took over. The anxiety lasts for two minutes as the timer on her phone goes off. She paces around the bathroom hearing him down the hall putting their kids to bed. And then she turns it over. The excitement takes over:  _ two pink lines.  _

 

His jaw drops. He holds the white plastic stick in his hands forgetting that minutes ago his wife had peed on it but it didn’t matter. A smile doesn’t leave her face. She figures she had two minutes of anxiety so he deserves his two minutes too. 

 

And then a smile forms across his face. He scoops her in his arms. She giggles as he spins around the room, collapsing onto the bed with her. He stares at her, pushing her blonde hair behind her ear. Because he didn’t think his family could feel  _ more  _ complete. And they were  _ happy.  _ They were really,  _ really  _ happy. 

 

And then it changes. Something about a false positive and an inhospitable uterus. And something about miracles. She nods. She has three of those at home. Guess she’s used up all hers. 

 

It’s a silent car ride home and once they are home they go separate ways. He sits with his head in his hands at the kitchen table debating on whether he should go back to work or go comfort her or pick the kids up early or just sit where he is. He doesn’t decide and by default he sits right where he is. 

 

She goes straight upstairs to the guest room/office. The room that would’ve been converted into a new nursery. She’s an organized person but not a clean one. But for some reason she starts cleaning and organizing. Anything to get her mind off the situation. 

 

They feel like they can’t be sad. After all they never were truly pregnant. But she feels like she was. And they never actually told anyone. Like they did with the triplets, they wanted to keep it a secret until they confirmed. They never thought they’d get the results they did. 

 

He texts Marlene and asks her to bring the kids home saying his wife was feeling a little under the weather and he wanted to stay with her as well as apologizing several times. She doesn’t think twice and brings the almost three year olds home. 

 

Their excitement is almost insulting. Because they’re two and loud and crazy and happy all the time, well, unless they’re fighting. But nonetheless, they’re happy. And their parents wish they were too. 

 

It’s after he puts one of his sons to bed for the fourth time that they actually speak more than two words to each other. 

 

He stands in the doorway of their bedroom and she sits on the bed. She looks up at him with teary eyes letting everything out. She tells him how awful she feels. And how she feels like she lost something that she never actually had. And how she feels like it’s her fault. 

 

He rushes to her side pulling her into his embrace and letting her know it’s not her fault and that he feels the same way. They cry together. They fall asleep in each other’s arms. By morning they feel like they resolved it. 

 

It’s later that day at work that Ann calls her and she learns that maybe she hasn’t resolved it. Her beautiful, tropical fish of a best friend reveals she’s expecting and though she plays it off as the supportive happy best friend that she is, (well wishes that she could be) she feels her heart break with the words. 

 

Because she isn’t expecting. And she thinks that if she was her and Ann’s kids would be born around the same time and be best friends and it would be wonderful. But it’s not. It’s far from it. 

 

She congratulates Ann for the twelfth time that phone call and hangs up. She makes it sixteen seconds after that call before she cries. 

 

He reads it on Facebook later that afternoon and sprints to his wife two floors up hoping she hadn’t seen it too. Because he felt the tears sting his eyes when he read it so he figures she would fall apart. 

 

It’s when he gets there that he realizes he’s too late. She sobbing at her desk and he knows he has no words to take her pain away. He leans down and wraps his arms around her. She lifts her head up with a whimper. 

 

“Ann’s-“

 

“I know.”

 

“We would’ve been-“

 

“I know.”

 

“I’m so sad.”

 

“I know” he sighs, “I know. I am too.”

 

She learns to accept it. She learns to accept her complete family. Not that she didn’t think it was complete before. It’s weird. Because she never actually wanted more kids (though she joked about it to drive her husband crazy) until those two pink lines appeared. That’s the moment she felt that maybe her family was incomplete and this baby would complete them.  _ I guess it wasn’t meant to be.  _

 

And in the forty eight hours that she thought she would be bringing another child into the world, she saw it. She saw her complete life. She saw a little baby girl in her arms. And her husband hovering over her with a smile. And then she saw their triplets running into the room and jumping up on the hospital bed to meet their little sister. She saw them asking her a million questions and kissing the baby’s forehead and telling her they loved her. It was perfect.  _ But I guess it wasn’t meant to be.  _

 

So now she’s okay with it. She’s okay with the three kids she has. She’s more than okay. She’s thrilled. She thinks about how perfect it is. She got so freaking lucky. She got three perfect kids at the same time that are half her and half her husband. But sometimes she still wonders. She still wonders what it would be like if they did have another baby. 

 

Would it be another amazing boy or perfect girl to make it even? Would they be just as sleep deprived as they were the first time even though it’s only one? Would the triplets adjust well or would they put up a good fight? 

 

But slowly but surely, she stopped thinking about it as much. Because life goes on. And though Ann’s stomach grew as the months went on, they never saw each other in person so it never was a constant reminder. 

 

Her and Ben don’t talk about it again. They act like nothing has changed. They know they don’t have to use protection when they have sex but they still do. They know they’ll never have another baby but they don’t give away the clothes their kids grow out of. They know there’s an elephant in the room but they both chose to ignore it. 

 

And then the day comes. She gets the call just after lunch. And that’s when she remembers that she should’ve had her baby by now. She should be at home recovering and nursing all the time like she was three years ago. But she’s not. 

 

She drives to Ann Arbor like the good friend that she is. Actually he drives. Because she can’t focus for more than seven seconds before her eyes get glassy. 

 

He reaches for her hand while driving, giving her a comforting squeeze before bringing it to his lips to kiss. She sighs.  _ This isn’t how it was supposed to be.  _

 

It’s when they get there and see the  _ it’s a girl  _ pink balloons in the room that she remembers she wanted a little girl too. That she should have a little girl too. She resolves her pain by biting her lip and squeezing her husband’s hand. And she smiles through it all. 

 

She cries when Ann reveals the baby’s name is Leslie. She doesn’t even try to stop. She takes the newborn in her arms, almost pretending it’s her own. But she’s not. As much as she wishes she had her own, she doesn’t. And she just has to live with that. 

 

The pain never goes away. Something about missing something you never even really had hurts more. Because you never even got the chance. She never got the chance to get attached or know her or see her or feel her. 

 

Baby Leslie grows and she’s like a constant reminder that grown up Leslie should have a child too. Doing the same things as the baby. Reaching the same milestones and becoming best friends. But she’s not. 

 

Her triplets are seven years old when she finally stops thinking about  _ what could’ve been _ . She figures she just hit an age and her kids hit an age where the idea of diapers and crying babies at two am has lost its appeal. 

 

She lives her life and is genuinely happy because really she has a great life. She has everything she could ever need with an amazing family to share it with. 

 

It isn’t until her children go off to college that she thinks about  _ what could’ve been  _ again. They’re in the  _ empty nest  _ phase of life and that’s when she remembers she shouldn’t be. She should have fifteen year old. One who just finished freshman year and is excited to be the center of attention at home but will also miss her older siblings. 

 

Her house is silent now when she gets home from work. There are no teenagers fighting over the television or eating all the snacks in the house. There are no fights in the hallway about whose clothes are whose and whose music is the loudest. There are no dinners with the five of them. 

 

She tells her husband late one night in the silence of dark. She tells him how she’s thinking about it, about  _ her _ , again. He rolls over to her and plants kisses on her cheek. He says he’s thinking about her too. 

 

This unconceived, unborn child that the two have missed since their early forties is always on their mind. And when the year comes around that she would’ve graduated high school, they feel their hearts break a little. 

 

But then baby Leslie who’s not so much of a baby anymore graduates instead. And the two can’t help but think their own daughter should be up there too. Walking across the stage with a smile on her face as her parents cheer loudly from the audience. But she’s not. It’s just little Leslie. And maybe that’s okay. 

 

They congratulate her after the ceremony, giving her flowers and hugs like they would their own daughter. It’s when little Leslie hugs grown up Leslie that’s she really feels okay with it. 

 

“Thank you for everything, Aunt Leslie, she told me to do it for you.”

 

And maybe little Leslie meant that Ann told her to do it for grown up Leslie. Maybe little Leslie didn’t mean that she was doing it because the unconceived and unborn child of her Aunt and Uncle’s told her to do big things to please her mother, but that’s what she heard. She heard a message loud and clear from her baby in heaven.

 

They go home that night. They go home to their empty house. And they lay in silence again in bed both reading and waiting for sleep to take over. And she tells him. She tells him she’s okay. That for the first time ever, she feels okay. 

 

“She’s okay. So I am too.”

 

The words seem to echo in the silence of the room. He smiles and turns to her. They pull each other into their embrace. 

 

“I’m okay. Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.”

 


End file.
